The BBC (Budget Broadcasting Crew) has unveiled its new slimmed-down TV schedule. By merging programmes and cutting down on presenters, the Management team are confident that they will be able to balance the books without having to reduce their own staff levels or pay.

BBC One

6.00-10.00 Wake up with Woss. Breakfast-time news and magazine programme presented by Jonathan Ross and Fiona Bruce. Bantering interviews with witty celebrity guests who have paid the BBC to plug their latest books and films. Regular witty celebrities including Stephen Fry, Dara O'Brain, Alan Davies, Barbara Windsor.

10.00-11.00 Interlude: Potter's wheel.

11.00-12.00 Keyhole Home Buy Car Booty Bargain Hunt. Jonathan Ross and Kirstie Allsopp break in to famous people's homes (e.g. Stephen Fry etc.), insult their taste, value their house and contents and help them to sell both at a local car boot sale.

12.00-3.00 Jonathan's Out to Lunch. Jonathan Ross, assisted by Nigella Lawson, present a lunch-time news and food magazine programme while visiting celebrity chefs in their restaurants (in exchange for a backhander). Featuring witty banter and recipes from regular celebrities Stephen Fry, Dara O'Brain, Alan Davies, Barbara Windsor, Kirstie Allsopp.

3.00-5.00 Don't you know who I am? Jonathan Ross hosts the quiz show with a difference. One of the players is not Stephen Fry, Dara O'Brain, Alan Davies, Fiona Bruce or Barbara Windsor and the others have to guess who it is, based on their family tree. (this week: Nigella Lawson) With witty banter.

5.00-6.30 Have we got Newsround for you! presented by Jonathan Ross and Fiona Bruce, with local reports from Kirstie Allsopp and witty comments on the news from Stephen Fry, Dara O'Brain, Alan Davies, Barbara Windsor.

6.30-7.30 East End Neighbours. Barbara and the usual gang from Walford emigrate to Australia and move into Ramsay Street. Kirstie Allsopp helps them with their house purchases. Witty narration by Jonathan Ross.

7.30-8.30 The One Crime Show. Fiona Bruce hosts a consumer magazine programme investigating criminal overcharging by estate agents, restaurants and TV hosts. This week's programme takes an under-cover look at Kirstie Allsopp, Nigella Lawson and Jonathan Ross. Witty narration by Stephen Fry.

8.30-10.00 Silent Witness at Holby. An under-cover look at the path labs of the famous hospital. Guest celebrities (including Jonathan Ross, Stephen Fry, Dara O'Brain etc.) are invited to try their hand at a post-mortem. Witty narration by Alan Davies. Nigella Lawson cooks up some interesting offal recipes. Kirsty Allsopp brings up her lunch.

10.00-11.00 National and international news(Repeat) Presented by Fiona Bruce, with worldwide reports from BBC correspondents including Stephen Fry, Dara O'Brain, Alan Davies, Barbara Windsor, Kirstie Allsopp. Jonathan Ross reviews the latest Films.

11.00-12.00 Epilogue. Witty inter-faith banter and discussion of the days events, from Stephen Fry, Dara O'Brain, Alan Davies, Barbara Windsor, Kirstie Allsopp, Fiona Bruce, Nigella Lawson and a closing expletive-heavy prayer from Jonathan Ross.

12.00-6.00 The Test Card, featuring Fiona Bruce as the girl, and Jonathan Ross as the clown.

BBC2 Same as BBC1, but one hour later

BBC3 Same as BBC2, but one hour later

BBC4 etc, etc