Somebody REALLY didn't like my "Comedy Recession" story.

What follows is the text of a staggeringly badly written press release that, in its own way, speaks volumes about the way we live now.

Lurking in here is a story that may inspire somebody out there. It's also possible that it is completely beyond satire but if there's a Newsbiscuit dunker who'd like to have a go, here it is. . .

Although news of this miserable project is unlikely to capture the imagination of many news editors, I hope that Budgens' employees get to read about the esteem with which their bosses regard them. . .

Fingerprints Never Lie!

Posted: 12/05/08

Biometric Pilot at Budgens

"Buddy punching", the term for employees entering false clock in times for each other, is a problem that many organizations face but are often unable to prove it.

Through biometrics Budgens has introduced technology which recognises the fingerprints of each employee, something that cannot be faked. This has helped the high street retailer clamp down and save a significant amount. Nucleus Research found that 74 percent of organizations experience payroll losses directly related to buddy punching. Biometric terminals eliminate buddy punching, which, for an organisation with 5,000 employees, can account for more than $4 million annually.

Currently six Budgens stores have been involved in the pilot. However the scheme has proved to be so successful, there are immediate plans to expand to another twenty stores in the next few weeks.

"Like most organisations, we knew we had a problem with buddy punching, but we had no way to prove it," states Utpal Patel, Director of Erongrove Ltd, the company behind the franchising of two of the Budgens stores involved in the pilot. Based in Woking and Parsons Green the two stores have a combined staff of twenty-five employees, of which the financial repercussions are substantial. Through the biometric system Erongrove are saving GBP10,000 a year, money that can be of significant use elsewhere. The benefits of the installed Touch ID terminals across its organization overcome the issue of buddy punching, whilst providing further financial stability for Erongrove. The future could be bright for companies if the biometric pilot goes nationwide; "With the … biometric technology … we are able to ensure we are getting work for the hours we're paying and that our budget money is being spent on investment in the stores," continued Utpal Patel, .

While employee-self service is typically reserved for professional workers, many organisations are providing this functionality across a wide range of enterprises. These organisations have found that providing their entire workforce, including hourly employees, with a self-service functionality that was once reserved only for those with access to a PC, improves: efficiency, increased productivity, and enhanced employee satisfaction and retention.

Budgens found that automating work-related processes such as viewing accrual balances, schedules, timecards, and even time off requests directly from the terminal, can save employees an average of 15 minutes per month; managers an average of three hours per employee each year; and HR an average of five hours per employee per week.

The high street chain Cost-Cutter has also introduced the scheme into two of its stores, with plans to upscale the project significantly in the near future.

Mr Pushpendra Jhala CEO NIVID says “The biometric time and attendance system from Nivid has helped businesses make significant progress in eliminating proxy attendance and buddy- punching in the retail sector. The loss of revenue through fake attendances accounts for the largest percentage of loss to retailers. Biometrics has helped a vast cross section of conglomerates operating in the retail environment including shops, hotels and restaurants to transform their operations by reducing overheads. The Time and Attendance system also helps companies to streamline their HR functions through a more effective system of management in regards to: absences, illness, overtime and the general tardiness of workers”

ENDS

Yep, between 12 and 12-30pm today, ol' miseryguts looked in, scowled at everything and gave it all a big fat zero, judging by the sudden temperature drop.

Come on, matey - YOU produce something funny! Or re-write the stuff that's there. Anything constructive. I'll be waiting. . .

Wow. Congrats Lady Lobster, that's just brilliant.

There's not really too much comedy to be had from 10000 people killed by an earthquake. Am I alone in this?

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www.youtub ... o-I_zsqiwg

I think it's the last line of this article that really makes it.

But I can't find where Steve 20 posted today's (great) front page today? I can't find it here or in the "Submissions" page (last I have is cut-out nurses story posted on the 11th). Am I missing something?

Following the news that Blair is said to advising Brown on how to win the next election,perhaps there is thread here ?

Prescott to advise Liebour on obesity ..

Hugh Fearnley Whtitingstall to advise Boris Johnson about bad hair days....

Avram Grant to advise Premier League on charisma...

Barnardos to advise ITV on charity donations....

It said "Warning: cat's eyes removed". I thought that seemed a little harsh....

Sorry to say, but reality has beaten you on this story.

One of the reasons the Armenian people hate Russians so much is that in the aftermath of the 1988 earthquake, in which 100,000 died, the only real aid to come from Moscow was ... 100,000 flatpack cardboard coffins.

On the morning of May 3rd, 2008 Tarquin Goodface, of common stock, had what he described as a "perfectly normal dream". During said event the Trowbridge plumber, 32, describes how "completely non-weird" his dream was.

He explains: "I woke up and I felt a bit disappointed. All my mates go on about how weird their dreams from the night before were, but mine was distinctly nondescript. During the dream I think I went for a walk, then washed the car, and made a sandwich. Then I settled in for an evening of licence-payers TV before going to bed with a bit of supper. I think I read a chapter of Lord of the Rings before turning the light off. I can't think of one aspect of reality that was skewed or in some way different, or even vaguely amusing."

Mad Men surely...

Speedway is a sport ey?

Following months’ of speculation, strategists at America’s prestigious Westpoint Institute for Military Sciences, Virginia, have unveiled their new doctrine for the 21st century.

“According to the Cheney Doctrine, which till now has set the benchmark for doctrines, invasions are best accomplished with a minimum of troops, and little or no afterthought,” said Professor Sir General Conan Schwarzgerät, Sir. “The latest theory just takes that a step further.”

From now on, all invasions will consist of two men and a flag.

“It’s a refinement of current fighting theory and a culmination the post-Cold War trend towards streamlining,” explained Five Star Armchair General Dirk Warg patiently. “This way, we present a smaller target to the enemy, so that even if the worst comes to the worse, and 50% or even 100% of the two are slain, their sheer number will put an effective break on additional casualties. Friendly fire will also be less of danger.

“Besides, with fewer soldiers on the ground, our high-spirited boys can’t get up to as much mischief. If a smaller proportion of the local populace is stressed out so bad that they pass away as a result of our lads’ patriotic activities, natives are bound to be less furious at us and our lovely nation in general. And even if one of them turns out to be a bad apple, we estimate that he will not be able to rot in excess of one comrade.

“The last thing a failed state like Iraq needs right now is another large and vengeful army. They have enough of those already.

“What’s more, this is a tried and tested methodology. We successfully invaded the full moon using this technique back in 1969. And – even though troop numbers never exceeded single figures, and were soon reduced to zero – our assault on Earth’s principle natural satellite is still regarded, rightly, as a victory. If 80 quintillion tons of heavily-worn rock and fine, grey powder couldn’t stop us, what hope do one rag-tag band of Iranian-backed militiamen who dare to oppose the rag-tag band of Iranian-backed militiamen that we support have?”

More at Orbis Terrorum.

"Workers said they thought they were just making colourful flags and did not realise their meaning."

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Don't want to sound like a spoil sport but other than changing the location from Newcastle to Kent and the bit about the Badger this is a true story from a couple of years ago. A man was taken to court in Newcastle for sexually harassing Freddy the Dolphin.

India's music scene had a flashback to the 80's this week as the re-fangled "Korma Chamelion" struck number one.

Closest contender for the number one spot was "Poppadum Preach."

Next week we look forward to the much anticipated "Tears on my Pilau."

In other world music news...the current Chinese number one is "We Will Wok You."

I;m sitting here, with all my workplace comoputer system down but for the Internet, with not much hope of being able to get any work done...and my submissions to the board today are crap. How frustrating is that?

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the ideas NewsBiscuit gives people.

If the pope can.....

www.ananov ... s.quirkies

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I saw this story and all I can think is that he couldn't even break the record for being the worst player ever!

I would get one...if one of my headlines was on it...

Yep, it was too obvious.

...but speed cameras do seem to cause rather a lot of crashes...

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www.ananov ... s.quirkies

There are at least three grandma mistakes in the 'Little Red Riding Hood' front page

before it happened in real life . . .

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Am I alone in finding them just a teensy bit tasteless? Call me a wimp, but I can't see a huge amount of humour in a story like "man's fiancee dies of drug overdose, then man commits suicide by London train station".

There are at least three grammar mistakes in the 'Famous Five' front page. I wouldn't know if they were from the original, or whether it's happened in translation.

BBC breakfast news has been running a feature on comparison websites this morning - highlighting the fact that different comparison websites will recommend different best deals based on the same customer criteria. Their advice was to check the results of several different comparison websites before deciding which one to go with.

I will of course wait until I have seen similar news items on ITV and Sky before deciding whether or not to follow the BBC's advice.

It may be, in Seattle at least.

QUOTE: The contest asked for an April Fool's, "Newsbiscuit"-type article, featuring a pet.

blog.seatt ... blog_last3

In light of this story will this site be changing to news cake?

www.metro. ... _page_id=2

Or something like that.

newsbiscui ... n-sit.html

Follow the link to the BBC news.bbc.c ... 322347.stm about a man who for 94 days had "Diana" written on his forehead.

At first I felt sorry for him, but after reading the article, the BBC posed the question "After 94 days....what now for man who wrote 'Diana' on his forehead?"

I thought - how about for the rest of his life having "Dick" on his forehead instead.

OK, I was half way through the first paragaraph before I stopped questioning the standard of grammar and proof reading on News Biscuit these days!

Excellent stuff!

TrueBiscuit from the Island - where reality and parody seem to have just passed each other travelling in opposite directions.

Feelings obviously running high - but surely they didn't have to go as far as saying; 'Many not happy'

ventnorblo ... not-happy/

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...I do feel a little uneasy about the Ian Huntley reference.

A topical sketch show on BBC radio 7 is looking for stuff if anyone is interested...

Check out

www.bbc.co ... tilt.shtml

if anyone knows - what's the rough average number of votes a submission what get on the submission boards?

Made me smile

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