my only question is, would it be Gaza or Israel sporting several sets of those lovely gold creole earrings from Elizabeth Duke?

Sad to say but there really is not much of a spirit of trying to encourage new writers and sharing ideas here, despite being the original intention behind the website.

It's degenerated into a small group of people exploiting the rating system by patting each other on the back with high marks, with indiscriminate marking down of anybody else who threatens their dominance - as they would see it. It's not so much a flaw in the website so much as it is personal flaws in the people that exploit it - that's what's depressing about it. I dont like to get moralistic, but I've seen it happen to a whole bunch of new writers here, so its not a personal bitter beef I have.

It's not that I expect the ratings to be precise or anything, it's just the fact that it reveals the underhand depths to which some are prepared to sink. It reveals a self serving - fuck everybody else and look at me attitude. It stinks. It's greedy, selfish and pathetic, and reduces those that engage in it down the evolutionary scale.

Why are they people here that think you have to trample on others to be heard? and how the hell is this supposed to encourage writers to contribute and collaborate when this shit is going on?

But, I suppose it must be the fear of new members joining all the time - something must be done to stop anyone trying to rival their work - as they would see it. Some fear they can't rely on the strength of their material alone, and must resort to dirty underhand tricks to preserve their apparant dominance.

Not that this morally bankrupt tactic always pays off of course, because sometimes the stories that have been frantically downgraded (in the hope they will be ignored) with military precision are developed into front page stories or linked to from the front page, but what it does do is demoralise new writers from contributing in the future, which is the whole point yes?

But congratulations to those for who that arrangement seems to benefit. A petty pyrrhic victory is still a victory of sorts is it not? At least in your own mind.

Vote 1-5 stars

1] OK

2] Amusing

3] Funny

4] Very Funny

5] Hilarious

Far less open to abuse.

Therefore any vote actually adds to the submissions total. You can't get the kind of negative voting that happens here so much.

If you don't like a piece of work [or author as is sometimes sadly the case], you would simply ignore it .

This happens on other sites and it stops vendetta's taking place thus placing often very funny pieces in the NB vault never to see the light of day.

My NB Annual arrived today.

Off to read it, I may be some time....

bugger, got it wrong again. must be this bloody flu!!

With the recent news that a third runway at Heathrow is looking increasingly unlikely, Isle of Wight entrepreneurs have unveiled a daring plan that they feel will solve the UK’s air traffic congestion at a stroke. Ventnor businessman Alvin Swift and his lifelong friend Dick, opened the island’s first international airship terminal yesterday. Alvin and Dick intend to run up to three scheduled services a day between New York and Ventnor, depending on the wind. Asked if the current lack of large commercial airships is a draw back, Alvin replied, ‘ Well we are talking to the makers of the Hindenburg and the R101 who we understand have considerable experience in the field. There are one or two reliability problems to overcome but the lack of mountains on the island will be distinct advantage’.

The new state of the art terminal which has been designed to compete with Heathrow’s terminal 5 will feature a host of up to the minute facilities for the hard pressed traveller, including a coffee machine, a fully flushing toilet and some seats. Alvin and Dick also plan a low cost alternative featuring hot air balloons. The only disadvantage is that you can only depart but never return and you have no idea where you are going, perfect for today’s uncertain times.

Love it.

video.goog ... othy+freke

Gordon Brown will admit "Actually, maths was never my thing".

Paris Hilton will amaze us all by revealing that for all these years she has just been a character actress so deep in her role that she took in all the major networks and the press. In reality she is plain "Sarah Jones", who actually has a Masters in Philosphy and Politics from Oxford.

..I must have really pissed someone off....

. . .mattdaniels' and des's 'impatience-sensitive lift' story made the FP - and the link to a previous semi-related sub is great; could help reduce those awkward 'I wrote something very similar, only better' tantrums that prima donnas like me are prone to. And it gives readers an extra reason to drill down further into the site. Mind the doors - going up. . .

What's 2 multiplied by 5?

I tried to join thespoof.com but failed the entrance examination.

Teaching hindsight is such an innovative idea. There will be no need for new texts. The old ones will be just fine. What about recording teacher lectures on VHS or better yet Betta tapes since the curriculum won't be changing.

When you view the entire HM the Queen/Honour killings sub, there is an internet ad for a muslim dating (actually marriage) site. Spooky coincidence, or deliberate?

Anywho, I think that the site may cause a few honor killings just by existing, as there is an option to choose man/man or woman/woman hook-ups. (And there are some lovely burka-d gym teachers to choose from.)

. . . while my ugly sisters went off to the ball, and I decided to cheer myself up by e-mailing links to lots of my old (failed) submissions to the tiny handful of friends who'll still listen to me, droning on about how funny I am and how awful those cruel and heartless Newsbiscuit bastards are etc etc.

Well, to cut a long story short, as a lovely unexpected surprise, there has been a mass distortion of the vote created by helpful friends from the drop-in centre. This has resulted in the immensely satisfying but clearly rigged appearance of FIVE of my subs in today's Top Ten.

I didn't actually solicit this show of solidarity but I'm not going to pretend I don't like it and, what's more, I think I really deserve it too.

It won't last much longer but it's been nice. And I'd like to wish me a Happy New Year.

Back to business: a truebsicuit

news.bbc.c ... 809481.stm

Congratulations to StoopyDeGunt who is the winner of the coveted NewsBiscuit Writer of the Month for December. Several cracking front pages plus some other stories that nearly made it, gave Stoopy the edge over close runner up Ianslat. Special mentions also for Des Custard, Genghis Cohen, nealdoran and Goatboy.

Keep it coming and thanks to everyone who bought the book this Christmas...

A quick bit of advice to any newcomers on this site. For God sake don't say, write or do anything that remotely offends other more established writers. They won't bother reading your stuff they will just mark it 1/10 as soon as they see your name. Your stuff will then never be seen in the Top Ten.[or as soon as it appears it will soon disappear]

Does this matter ?. Well yes, because it is difficult to get stuff onto the front page if it doesn't regularly appear in this section.

Submissions should be marked on their quality not by the name of the person posting it.Perhaps we should make all posts anonymous.

I have posted submissions under a different name and always get a far better response.

And they say writers are supposed to be an open minded liberal bunch...Bullsh*t.

Egocentric f*ckwits, the lot of them.

I am presently not working on a book entitled, "How to make friends and influence people"

Evil - have you had your email from them? I've just had one saying one of my sketches was shortlisted but isn't going to be used. Some interesting feedback on it though. Strangely I thought it was the weakest of the three I sent them. Hope you've had more joy.

news.bbc.c ... 807501.stm

should carry a health warning this time of year. Every time one reads it, one laughs - and all that cackling is painfully loud inside one's head.

Had a mouthful of Bombay mix (or is it Mumbai mix now) from the bowl left over from the party the night before then felt a bit sick with the thought of out the fifty or so guests probably 1 in 10 didn't wash their hands after their last crap; then five minutes later you've got the taste so go back for more?

Just waffling here and trying to keep out the way.