Drug dealers across Britain are coming under increasing pressure to come clean about whether some of them have been secretly dabbling in sport. One leading drug lord has claimed that an interest in athletics, football and tennis is not only commonplace but tacitly accepted across the industry and that many gang leaders are prepared to turn a blind eye to the practise.

‘Sport is ruining the world of drugs’ said one smackhead from Manchester’s Moss Side. ‘In the good old day, sickly looking dealers used to sidle up to you on a shady stairwell on the estate. Now you have to run after them on the athletics track and they pass you a bag of crack like it’s some bloody relay baton.’

A hidden camera in Manchester’s Moss Side area, recently caught two drug dealers who were ostensibly doing a quick deal in cannabis resin, but as soon as they thought no one was looking they then took off their hoodies and surreptitiously attempted to break the European and Commonwealth record for the triple jump. ‘We’ve had rival drugs gangs challenging each other to games of badminton, addicts organising impromptu gymnastic displays and all of this association with sport is doing nothing for the image of illegal drugs.’

A police raid in Bristol last month caught six dealers just as they were lined up to run the two hundred metres. The operation ended in tragedy when a local sports coach fired the starting pistol, and the police returned fire, killing all six men and injuring a number of bystanders.