A memorial service was cut short yesterday after mourners ran out of interesting or noteworthy achievements to mention in their speeches. The friends and family of Gerald Lubbock gathered at the magnificent, and as it turns out, rather over-sized church of the Holy Spirit in Bray, Berkshire, to celebrate the life and work of Gerald, but found themselves struggling to come up with anything worth mentioning.

‘He was always saying he was going to get it together to learn about this computer lark’ recalled his brother from the pulpit with a smile. ‘However he never got round to it, just as he never got round to anything really’ he added, as a slightly laboured affectionate chuckle echoed around the church. ‘Er, he used to eat a lot of takeaways, and er, take a long time to throw away the cartons.’ remembered his brother. ‘He never had a proper job or anything, just lived off income support and money he borrowed off people. Er, what else?’ continued Mike racking his brain for something worth saying.

Others speakers remembered Gerald’s keen interest in watching television, and his plans to sort out the overgrown garden of the house he had lived in ever since his parents died. The idea of a collection for local charities was abandoned when a number of mourners asked if they might be paid back the various debts that Gerald had incurred during his uneventful life.

‘It’s quite a common problem’ explained the vicar of Holy Spirit. ‘Some people are just boring and very lazy under-achievers and their memorials can prove a real head-ache.’ In the end the vicar suggested they sang another couple of hymns to pad the service out a bit and then all went down to the pub.

‘It’s like, we had this idea of having a memorial service, but never really planned it properly and ended up not seeing it through’ said his brother. ‘It’s what he would have wanted.’