Drug dealers across Britain are coming under increasing pressure to come clean about whether some of them have been secretly dabbling in sport. One leading drug lord has claimed that an interest in athletics, football and tennis is not only commonplace but tacitly accepted across the industry and that many gang leaders are prepared to turn a blind eye to the practise.
‘Sport is ruining the world of drugs’ said one smackhead from Manchester’s Moss Side. ‘In the good old day, sickly looking dealers used to sidle up to you on a shady stairwell on the estate. Now you have to run after them on the athletics track and they pass you a bag of crack like it’s some bloody relay baton.’
A hidden camera in Manchester’s Moss Side area, recently caught two drug dealers who were ostensibly doing a quick deal in cannabis resin, but as soon as they thought no one was looking they then took off their hoodies and surreptitiously attempted to break the European and Commonwealth record for the triple jump. ‘We’ve had rival drugs gangs challenging each other to games of badminton, addicts organising impromptu gymnastic displays and all of this association with sport is doing nothing for the image of illegal drugs.’
A police raid in Bristol last month caught six dealers just as they were lined up to run the two hundred metres. The operation ended in tragedy when a local sports coach fired the starting pistol, and the police returned fire, killing all six men and injuring a number of bystanders.
Rural parishes unable to find permanent members of the clergy have been forced to bring in supply vicars whose inexperience and lack of authority has made them vulnerable to disruptive parishioners, says a new report.
One temporary priest was reduced to tears with heckling and catcalling during his sermon, and when he looked up he saw that all the church-goers had turned their pews round to face the opposite direction. ‘These young supply vicars do not have the experience to be able to hold the attention of wayward Christians,’ admitted the Archbishop of Canterbury. ‘The moment they turn their back they are pelted with screwed up service sheets and Alpha Course leaflets made into paper planes, and many of them just don’t know what to do.’
In a small church in South Devon, one vicar was subjected to mass humming, while another gradually became aware that the 
mumbling and feigned coughing around the congregation was part of a daring game where each church-goer had to say the word ‘bollocks’ slightly louder than the last. In extreme cases of disruption, tearful vicars have run out to the vestry and phoned for the bishop, who has had to come down and give the congregation a serious talking to.
‘People imagine that church-goers are serene and gentle people, but nothing could be further from the truth’ said one vicar who has quit the Church after the pressure became too great. ‘On one occassion I asked the elderly congregation what they normally did for Evensong, and the old ladies told me they usually did black mass and sacrificed a goat to Beelzebub. How was I to know it was a wind up? It was only when I smeared the goat’s blood on my face and saw them giggling that I realized I had made a bit of an idiot of myself.’
Piers Turner, a City of London investment banker, has hit out at claims that he is being taken advantage of during his regular visits to a local lap-dancing club and insists that he finds the experience ‘empowering’.
‘I know that in our modern, post-feminist world, the professional women that work in these clubs sometimes worry that they’re exploiting the clientèle,’ explained the 42-year-old father of three, ‘But frankly, I’m fat and ugly as sin, and for a tenner I can get a 19-year-old living Barbie doll to wobble her astoundingly pert bottom in my face. It makes me feel sexy and confident.’
Despite the sense of liberating self-worth generated by Turner’s visits to lap-dancing clubs, he feels he has to keep his interest secret from his family. ‘They’d assume I’d be like some seedy old man in an East-End pub in the 70s, taking abuse from a scary middle-aged lady stripping on a pool table, but that’s a very old-fashioned view. The men in these clubs are relaxing in a very safe, controlled environment where we’re treated with courtesy and respect.’
The lack of understanding from the outside world has created a sense of camaraderie among the men in the establishments, which 
Turner describes as ‘like a family’. ‘We’re all very supportive of each other. There are days when you might feel a bit down because somebody saw you walking into the club and pre-judged you, just because of what you do. But the guys always rally around and know how to cheer you up.’
Lapdancing is also helping Turner with his job, where he feels more in touch with his masculine side and can give his all for his new boss Anne. ‘She’s a great woman Anne; started a few years after me, and has really ridden that equal opportunities train to the top, but good luck to her, she deserves everything she’s got’ said Turner, quietly mumbling, ‘the frigid lesbian bitch…’
In 1978, seven year old Timothy Johnson asked his classmate for a KP Ranchero with the promise ‘Go on, be your best friend.’ Thirty years on, computer salesman Mike Harrison is now desperate to release his old school mate from what he says was a meaningless playground promise. ‘Three decades later he still rings me up every day, suggesting we go for a pint or go on holiday together. We have nothing in common whatsoever – it’s just what seven years old say…’
Tim Johnson, 37, admits that the two share very few interests but maintains that he made a promise and he cannot go back on his word; ‘I really, really wanted just one of those little bacon flavoured crisps, and so it seemed a reasonable deal at the time. But I can’t deny it has been an effort to keep the friendship going all these years. Ironically, I actually had a packet of crisps in my school bag, and if I hadn’t forgotten about them, I probably would never have uttered those fateful six words ‘Go on, be your best friend!’ and my life would have been completely different.
When Mike moved to a Germany for a year, Tim felt he couldn’t let his best friend live out there on his own and so got a job in the same Bavarian town. 
On Mike’s wedding day he gave a long speech recounting their years of friendship, even though he hadn’t actually been invited to the reception and was eventually thrown out by the hotel security staff. Tim even admits his own marriage has suffered as a result of his devotion to his ‘best friend’ Mike.
‘No the marriage has suffered’ explained Mike, ‘because he only promised to marry Sharon Cooper in 1977 if she showed him her knickers behind the bike shed. Frankly it’s no basis for a long term relationship.’
Once considered to be an over-the-top irritation, pre-movie DVD piracy messages have been proved to be the key factor in defeating organized crime and terrorism. Interviews with drug gang lords and international terrorists have revealed that they are resigned to giving up, now that people have been informed that buying illegally copied DVDs was the one thing that kept them going.
‘Those heavy ads might just seem like some pain-in-the-arse message you can’t skip, however many times you press the fast forward or menu button; but yeah the message is right. Selling fake DVD’s really is the key to our global crime operation.’ One gang leader admitted that heroin trafficking was just a loss-leader that was only set up to deflect police attention away from the 
serious business of selling low-quality copies of Basic Instinct 2 down the market. Al-Qaeda leaders also admitted that the warning about pirated DVDs funding terrorism was also completely true. ‘Yeah the whole jihad against the decadent west was a smokescreen. What we are really about is earning millions from that bloke in the pub who asks you if you want any cheap Adam Sandler movies.’
A spokesman for Interpol said he was delighted with the response to the messages at the beginning of DVDs – and that 100% of consumers had immediately stopped buying pirated DVDs on learning of their underworld origins. ‘We did fear that people might cynically think that this was just the huge movie companies trying to protect their profits but of course nothing could be further from the truth.’
Swedish furniture giant IKEA claims to have drastically reduced the cost of a family funeral with it’s new self-assembly plywood coffin. The flatpack coffin comes in twelve ‘easy-to-assemble’ parts and can be put together ‘in under an hour’ by grieving relatives.
‘It was good to get my mind off things’ said bereaved grandson Geoff Cooper, 35. ‘I was tearful when I started to work out which bit went where. But after two hours I was shouting and swearing and throwing the little Allen key across the room. When we finally lowered the coffin into the ground, it fell to pieces and granddad’s limbs all fell out.’
But other families have welcomed the saving that the self-assembly sarcophagus represents. ‘We wanted to save cash on the coffin for our gran because we didn’t like her’ said Elizabeth Jamieson from Croydon. ‘So we got her to assemble the coffin herself before she croaked. It took her three and a half days to put it together. Ironically it was probably that what finished her off.’
Prime Minister Gordon Brown found some comfort in this week’s dismal local election results when he learnt that Labour’s performance in fictional towns and cities was far better than results across the rest of the country as a whole. Posing for the cameras with the newly elected Labour Mayor of Casterbridge, Gordon Brown claimed that it was typical of the media to focus on Labour’s losses in places that really existed.
‘When you look at the whole picture’ said a Downing Street spokesman, ‘Labour has done pretty well in the key battlegrounds of Barchester and Middle Earth.’ Downing Street figures claim the county council of Midsomer saw a swing to Labour from ‘No Overall Control’ despite concerns about rising crime in the area. ‘Health issues in Holby City help Labour gain two seats off ‘Ratepayers’ and the Greens’ said the government spokesman. Labour apparently also gained three councillors in the London Borough of Walford, where locals in the Queen Vic pub in Albert Square celebrated by cheering, shouting and then fighting one another. In ‘Weatherfield’, another of the so-called non-existent marginals Labour increased its share of the vote on a reduced turnout, although angry farmers are being blamed for Labour’s failure in Emmerdale one of several target fantasy locations it failed to take.
‘The city of Atlantis was always a lost cause for us’ said Labour.. ‘But when people see the difference that new Labour councils make in places like Ambridge, Fulchester and Walmington-on-Sea’ we are confident that they’ll come back to Labour. When pressed about exactly when this Labour revival might take place, the government spokesman would only say ‘A long time ago, in a galaxy far far away.’
In a radical departure from its policy of advertising sporting events as ‘Super Saturday’ or ‘Grand-Slam Sunday’, the Sky Sports Channel has shocked its viewers by trailing a forthcoming live sports broadcast as ‘A Take-It-Or-Leave-It Fixture, Purely Of Academic Interest To Supporters Of The Two Teams Involved.’
A spokesman said ‘It’s only Leeds Rhinos versus the Warrington Something-or-Others, and let’s face it most people don’t even like Rugby League, so to bill it as ‘Showdown Saturday’ or ‘Clash of the Titans’ would be over-selling it a bit.’
The spokesman admitted that it was not the first time the broadcaster had misled viewers. ‘With hindsight, West Indies versus Sri Lanka in the 20-20 World Cup did not constitute a Mega-Monday Night Feast Of Cricket, even if it was coupled in a 
back-to-back double-header with New Zealand versus Kenya.’ Sky also apologised for telling viewers that the Championship fixture between Barnsley and Preston was a ‘must-see’ game, that the NFL match between Denver Broncos and Miami Dolphins was part of a ‘Triple-Whammy Tuesday’ and that any speedway event ever was worth watching.
They also confessed that ‘Survival Sunday’ was not an accurate description of a day that decided which team would go down from the Blue Square Conference North to the Unibond League. ‘All in all…’ said the host, ‘you can only watch so much sport and Mad Men is just starting on BBC 4 and that’s really good, actually.’
The Singapore government has announced plans to impose the death penalty for anyone caught using a sense of irony within its hallowed borders. Prime Minister Lee Hsien Loong delivered a patriotic speech on national television in which the new measures were announced. One watching journalist commented ‘Oh that’s really going to work, that is’, and was immediately led away by police.
Mr Loong pointed to a decline in national well being, mental health and respect for authority as a direct result of imported irony. ‘Protecting our citizens from moral decline and the evils of drug abuse has only dealt with part of a much larger problem’. There will also be long prison sentences for ‘satirical exaggeration or overstatement’ and ‘raising an eyebrow in a knowing way.’ Later in the day the leader of the opposition appeared to go further, suggesting that anyone ‘suspected of over-emphasizing one word to suggest that they didn’t really mean what they were saying’, be publicly flogged and then chopped into small pieces, although it might be that he was simply satirizing the Prime Minister’s firm stance, which of course would have made him eligible for execution himself.
Singapore has traditionally taken a firm stance on matters of law and order and respect for authority, but there are fears that they provoke international condemnation if they go ahead and execute people for being ironic in a public place. ‘I mean, durr! Like talk about making Genghis Khan seem liberal’ said one local who wished to remain anonymous. Plus there is the problem of the inadvertent ironies of life; ‘For example, will you be prosecuted if you go to a singles night and get sat opposite your ex-wife?’ asked one observer.
However the Prime Minister himself appears to be under pressure after allegations that he gave a little wink at the end of his Press Conference, suggesting that the whole announcement might be some sort of ironic wind up. ‘It was not an ironic wink, he just had something in his eye’ said a spokesman from his office. However Singapore police are now studying footage of the subtle wink, and may yet bring charges. Or maybe just pretend to arrest him and then say ‘Had you going there for a while.’
French customs officials have reported that they are struggling to cope with the high numbers of French men and women travelling over to British channel ports and purchasing cheap Pot Noodles, microwave ready meals and Cup-A-Soups.
Wave after wave of French cars and vans are making the short journey across the channel, stocking up and taking English convenience snacks back to France. Regular ‘Noodle Cruiser’ Thierry LaCroix explained ‘Processed food is just so expensive in France. And the taxes on it are so high we can’t afford to buy it regularly, so we have to cook our own food from scratch using fresh ingredients and everything. It’s a real pain in the ass – you English have it so much easier.’
The French Government, concerned about lost tax revenue recently ruled that imported Pot Noodles and Cup-A-Soups must be for personal use only, and vans are regularly searched for microwave ready meals that might be destined for the ever-growing black market. LaCroix himself recently had a vanload of frozen mini-chicken kievs confiscated by the authorities at Calais. ‘I tried to tell them that I just really loved Tesco value microwave mini-kievs, but they couldn’t believe that the five hundred packets I had in the van were for my own consumption’ he complained.
But what is bad news for the French treasury is good news for British shop-keepers. Hypermarkets full of microwave mini-pizzas and savoury pop-tarts have been popping up outside Dover and Portsmouth with staff being trained in conversational French. ‘The only thing that they don’t buy is alcohol’ said a supermarket manager. ‘Which is odd, ‘cos we thought that nobody ate any of this stuff unless they’d have four or five pints of lager beforehand.’
Scientists from cosmetics company L’Oreal were said to be ‘shocked and delighted’ today after being awarded the Nobel Prize for science. The group, led by Chief Researcher Bob Mulligan, was chosen for its ‘fresh and revolutionary insights into twenty-first century haircare’ and was given a special mention for its brave research into how to deal with ‘rebellious fly-away low pH hair and how obscure chemicals can apparently make your hair all shimmery and stuff like that’.
Industry insiders commented that although recent years have seen massive advances in shampoo technology, L’Oreal is widely considered to be the market leader, having created innovative active ingredients such as Pro-Retinol A, Ceramide-R, and Pro-Cellulose Revitalift Epsilon, all of which are scientifically proven to possibly improve your hair’s ‘zesty shininess’ by up to a maximum of 30% or more.
Mr Mulligan, whose leadership of the scientific research team was described as ‘visionary and powerful, like a modern-day Newton’, claims that the chemical breakthroughs his team achieved will lead to a ‘bright, shining and manageable-hair new dawn’ for mankind. 
‘We think that our new range of products will create a world of beautiful human beings whose hair is so glamorous and low-maintenance that they will be able to spend their extra free time bumping into handsome men in expensive restaurants and spinning their hair around in slow motion at every opportunity. And our new top-secret ingredient, Pro-Anti-Celluloid Rhesus Negative, could even add up to 11% more charisma to your hair,’ claimed the Nobel Prize winner, adding ‘Because our shareholders are worth it’. Hang on that’s not right.’
A judge today imposed an injunction against two wildlife enthusiasts forbidding them from going within 500 yards of a female bottle-nosed dolphin that recently became a popular attraction to divers and swimmers off the coast of Kent. Two local men have been charged after police received an allegation from the female dolphin that she had been consistently sexually harassed by the two divers.
A lawyer speaking on behalf of the dolphin claim that her life had been made a misery by the swimmers who would frequently pester her in bays on the south east coast despite her making it clear that their attention was not welcome. ‘They claimed that the dolphin was affectionate and friendly and liked to be stroked on her tummy’ said the lawyer. ‘Nothing could be further from the truth; she found their lack of respect for her personal body space to be intimidating and aggressively sexual.’
Asked by the defendants’ legal counsel why she did not ‘swim off’, the dolphin’s representative claimed that she felt entitled to conduct her daily life without fear of intimidation or molestation from the men. A marine biologist commented that all over the world humans imagine that dolphins enjoy the attention of human swimmers, when in fact they just have a different way of saying ‘Bugger off you pervert, I do not want to be touched by you.’
Following the verdict it has now been revealed that one of the defendants was convicted in 1994 of ‘Stalking a badger’, an offence under the Wildlife and Countryside Act. Counsel for the badger had explained how she became too nervous to go out after dark, after the nature enthusiast would regularly spy on her through binoculars, even watching her mate on one occasion. ‘He’s obviously a total perv’ said the lawyer.
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A leaked memo has confirmed that Gordon Brown took ‘absolutely no decisions whatsoever’ last Thursday after the Magic 8 Ball, long suspected as the primary instrument of government, failed to materialise in time for the regular cabinet meeting.
‘We were trying to vote on whether to hold an internal enquiry into the loss of the 8 Ball,’ said an unnamed source, ‘but without the ball we couldn’t get the right decision. Jacqui Smith appeared to have some kind of breakdown and crouched in the corner repeating ‘Outlook not so good’ over and over again. Ruth (Kelly) resorted to writing the 8 Ball options down on a piece of paper and drawing them out of a hat, but it just wasn’t the same. Thank God we found the thing!’
It is understood that the 8 Ball was finally found in the Bank of England, where the decision to cut interest rates was passed by 5 ‘Without 
a doubt, yes’ votes to 4 ‘My sources say no’. Gordon Brown issued the following statement to the press. ‘If you ask me directly, ‘do you use an 8 Ball to inform your decisions?’ I have to tell you ‘It is decidedly so’. No, wait a minute ’ – ‘Signs point to yes’ hang on, ‘My reply is no’. That’s better – bloody thing.’
A spokesman for the Conservatives said ‘what a ridiculous way to make important policy decisions. We do it the old fashioned way – by consulting an ancient crone who stares into the swirling, gassy waters before telling us what to do.’ Lady Thatcher was unavailable for comment.
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Iain Cullen always had a dream, a dream his friends and family thought would remain out of his grasp forever. But last year whilst sat in his studio, looking out over the fields of Somerset, with his finished manuscript on his desk, he said to himself; ‘I will not do this anymore; I’m going to follow my dream.’
With that he phoned his literary agent and told him there would be no twelfth book, no more bestselling novels translated all around the world and made into blockbuster movies. He was out of the business for good; he was going to follow his heart and see if he could make it in the world of office recruitment.
‘I always had this secret ambition’ said Iain ‘...but I never thought I would be good enough to help find Temp to Perm employment for part-qualified accountants in the Croydon and South London area. Then I thought, ‘you only live once’ and I’ll never find out unless I try’.
Iain started with Reed recruitment yesterday, and from his small office overlooking the muti-storey car-park he had a message for all his former readers; ‘You have to follow your heart in this life, and I’m following mine’. His first morning in recruitment was very successful, managing to fill every empty vacancy except the new one for ‘Best-Selling Novelist’. ‘Why the hell would anyone want do that?’ said all the jobless applicants who came into the office.
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New evidence, published today, has finally proved beyond doubt that the legendary animal known by story-tellers down the centuries as a ‘horse’ does not really exist. The study, carried out at the University of Graham, looked into over fifty unexplained sightings of the mythical beasts over a period of six months. In one instance, academics led by Dr Jake Reilly, spent over twenty minutes in the south eastern corner of a Cumbrian field that had been subject of a number of unsubstantiated ‘horse’ sightings. Not a single horse was seen. Claims that the horses had simply moved to another part of the field have been ridiculed by the doctor. He also dismissed the animals seen cantering majestically through the mist in the far corner of the field as being ‘probably cows, ghosts, or maybe leopards’.
The claims have been met with anger and disbelief by members of the equestrian community. Sandra Hatton of Redruth claims to have owned horses for over forty years, saying ‘I have fed, watered and ridden horses every day for as long as I can remember. I think I would notice if they didn’t exist’. Other people previously claiming to be ‘horse’ owners have been more circumspect. Upon hearing the scientific proof, Mr Colin Lehman, a horse enthusiast from Cardiff, inspected his prize winning ‘steeds’, only to be forced to admit that they must just be big dogs with unusually long noses and a taste for grass and sugar lumps. He told this reporter that, although he felt cheated by the dealer that sold him these horse-dogs, the animals had become part of his family, though he would stop riding them and try to train them fetch sticks instead.
Horses have remained at the forefront of popular culture in recent years, a rise that is attributed by many to the runaway success of fantasy films such as Black Beauty, The Horse Whisperer and Peter the Horse that Runs Around. However, scientists believe that because many people are increasingly unable to differentiate between make believe and real life, horses became widely accepted as being real animals. Speaking at an emotionally charged press conference, Dr Reilly said ‘I understand that these findings will cause distress and anger for many people who believe they have seen horses, or claim to have owned, bet on and stroked what they thought were horses in good faith. However, I stand by the conclusions of this scientific study. If anyone can provide me with irrefutable proof of the existence of horses then I will eat my own face.’
The case has clear parallels with a spate of fraudulent pet sales in 2003. Following the success of the Lord of the Rings trilogy there were over thirty reported cases of people having been sold strategically shaven monkeys, believing that they were hobbits. Hobbits are in fact now extinct in the wild and can only be kept in captivity under strict licensing rules.
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A quiet morning at Tie Rack in the south end of Heathrow’s Terminal 2 was turned upside down yesterday, when casual browser, Luke Tanner, 18, ‘found himself’ in the silk scarf section of the accessory-based store, putting an end to his Gap Year before it had even begun.
Tanner, was hours away from boarding a flight to Australia; a popular destination for ‘Gappers’ all over the world, when he experienced the life-changing event. ‘I was just killing time, really, waiting for my flight,’ he said. ‘Then it hit me! I thought it was going to happen walking along a beach at sunset or camping in the outback… But in Tie Rack!’
‘We’re very happy for him,’ said Lucy Jackson, shop assistant, and first to congratulate Tanner. ‘Airport stores are the last place you’d think people would find spiritual meaning and inner-peace, but it does happen. A lady ‘found herself’ outside the Starbucks in Terminal 3 a couple of weeks ago.’
A newly confident, mature and philosophically-reconciled Luke immediately rang home to inform his parents. ‘I’m so proud of him,’ Mrs Tanner told reporters, in learning that her son had found himself before even leaving the country. ‘I’d spoken to other mums, whose kids have been abroad a few times and come back just as spoilt, confused and screwed-up as they were when they left. I’m just relieved Luke didn’t have to waste all that money.’
Looking back on the incident, Tanner admitted he regretted not considering the outcome of sharing his good news, and was reportedly ‘a bit gutted’ that he’s no longer able to justify his expensive trip anymore. However, his search for deeper meaning in this life will continue next year, and he is already planning a trip to Clinton Cards in the Gatwick Village.
Top celebrities have called for urgent international co-operation after it was revealed that man’s activities on Earth are now threatening the horizon itself. Bob Geldof, Sting and Madonna are among the stars who are planning a huge concert to highlight the plight of the diminishing horizon, which scientists estimate could disappear completely by 2050.
The extended barrier that separates the earth from the sky has long been recognized as a miracle of nature; made up of a gaseous, semi-permeable mesh; with holes large enough to allow rain and birds to pass through, but small enough to block bits of sky and clouds.
Environmental scientist Jeff Woad claims the damage is being caused by the boom in aviation, as every flight rips a huge hole in the horizon’s protective membrane. ‘If we keep going like this, the sky and sea will merge into one; drowning birds and leaving fish gasping for oxygen. We’ll look out to distance expecting to see green fields meeting blue sky, but it all be mixed up into a sort of muddy brown colour.’
The first clear signs of environmental damage came on Boxing Day 2004, when scientists noticed a slab of sky the size of the Isle of Wight had broken through a crack in the horizon and was heading towards the Australian town of William Creek. Disaster was narrowly avoided as Australians used high pressure water hoses to alter the trajectory of the falling sky, instead bringing it down safely in the middle of the Indian Ocean.
Former Tomorrow’s World Presenter Judith Hann today added her own voice to the calls for action, saying ‘If we don’t do something now, what will we we say to our kids in years to come? ‘Yes son, rainbows did used to be in the sky, but now they’re just lying about broken on the floor because I wanted a weekend mini break in Prague…’ Well I don’t think I could live with myself, could you?’ However an American research team are confident that swift action now could still save the rainbow; although sadly, only in a black and white version.
Reports have emerged that the ongoing and historic conflict between Israel and its Arab neighbours has been quickly resolved by a simple group hug. After reaching a seemingly irreconcilable breakdown in talks, Middle East envoy Tony Blair took a gamble and made the bold suggestion. Once Palestinian President Mahmoud Abbas indicated he’d give it a go, Ehud Olmert, Prime Minister of Israel, quickly followed suit and leaders from Jordan, Syria, Egypt and Lebanon all tentatively agreed.
The hug itself was initially an awkward affair with nobody sure how to start. Blair apparently just gave Abbas a toothy grin and a big cuddle and the rest nervously joined in. As centuries of bloodshed, conflict and tension evaporated into the air the men appeared visibly moved by the experience. Afterwards all meditated as scented lavender candles and recorded whale song drifted through the air. Then the various participants sat crossed-legged in a symbolic circle and shouted compliments and declarations of love at one another.
The innovative new age approach was apparently the suggestion of Tony Blair’s son Leo who’d heard about group hugging at school and had personally witnessed the technique being used in his kitchen between his father, Uncle Peter and Uncle Gordon.
Later a relaxed Abbas said ‘It’s all so silly really when you think about it. It’s only religion, history and land; what’s to fall out about? Olmert agreed saying ‘We really should be working together for a better world, addressing global problems like poverty, climate change and the crisis in Darfur. Anyway, it’s only a matter of time before most of the world is at war with China so a bit of unity amongst the rest of us sort of felt appropriate.’
Rob Stephens and Melanie Wright, a young co-habiting couple from Lowestoft, moved to a new level in their relationship on Tuesday as they recognised that many of the individual quirks and mannerisms that initially drew them together are now just intensely irritating habits.
The revelation struck Rob as he sat in a Starbucks with Mel, who was picking all the nuts out of a banana nut muffin, because it was ‘too nutty’. ‘When we first got together, I thought that sort of stuff meant we were like ‘When Harry Met Sally’ and she was a real kook,’ said Rob, ‘Now I see there’s a difference between having an interesting personality and being an obsessive compulsive fussy eater with imaginary allergies.’
Rob explained the breakthrough in his love for Mel – shortly after swallowing the banana nut muffin he had shoved whole into his mouth just to make her stop picking – and she was 
delighted to realise she felt the same way. ‘I used to think it was funny that when he sang along to songs on the car radio he’d always do the bass guitar part. I even thought it might mean he was a bit musical,’ explained Melanie, ‘but seriously, if I hear him go ‘Badoo badoo badoo’ along with Duran Duran’s Rio one more time, I’m driving into the nearest lake.’
The couple decided to celebrate their new maturity by going out for a curry together; ‘though I hate the way she keeps dividing the poppadoms in two, however ridiculously small they get’ said Rob. ‘He always dips his naan into the pickle bowls instead of putting a little bit on his side plate’ moaned Mel. Finally over coffee Rob let Melanie in on his ‘other quirky little foible’, which entails him having sex with men in public lavatories several times a week.
As a cost cutting measure police forces around the UK are to close down CCTV monitoring control rooms and instead are providing footage from the cameras as a live feed on YouTube. It is hoped that, with the audience that YouTube provides, members of the public will see much more of what’s happening on the nation’s street than the current operators and will give Crimestoppers a call.
‘We’ve had to do this,’ said Chief Superintendent Pratt of Teesside Constabulary, ‘as it’s often so boring that our people nod off and miss important crimes. Only the on-line community have the stamina to stare for hours on end at poor quality footage of people’s arsing about – and now at least we can say the streets are being monitored..’
The scheme is currently undergoing trials in Middlesbrough and demand on the YouTube site is high. The system is interactive, and users can turn the camera by moving their mouse to look at whatever it is that takes their fancy. ‘That’s causing a few 
problems at the moment,’ said DSI Pratt, ‘we quite often get one person wanting to look at a fight at closing time on one side of the street while someone else wants to watch the lasses mooning on the other side. The camera just goes backwards and forwards and all we get is a wobbly picture of the middle of the street which is no good to anyone. We’ve had to replace several camera motors already.’
With the popularity of the system looking guaranteed, the terrestrial channels are now considering their own CCTV coverage. ‘For some time now we’ve been filming a load of drunk people spilling out of a pub…’ said a BBC spokesman. ‘The girls are always crying and the blokes fighting and swearing. We call our version “EastEnders”.’
Pope Benedict XVI exceeded the expectations of even his most devout followers in Washington yesterday with a spontaneous and unprecedented display of his spiritual qualifications. Having just finished an address to thousands of followers at the Lincoln Monument he levitated unaided by any discernible physical means and performed a series of exquisite aerobatic manoeuvres before culminating his display with a low level supersonic fly past. ‘He’s been practising around the Vatican for months,’ conceded a cardinal in his entourage.
His Holiness exceeded 986mph at his fastest point and the Papal boom was heard by Catholics as far away as Michigan. Michael O’Foley, a devout follower who witnessed the display said, ’It was just unreal, you know, like, made up, yeah? He just kinda lifted off the ground and we thought, ‘Oh no, the Lord is taking him’, but then he just started doin’ loops and barrel rolls and stuff, and you could see from his face he was just lovin it. I know he’s 81, but man, he sure still knows how to work the crowd.’ And Denise Wozcinski, from New Mexico agreed; ‘I came all the way from Albuquerque to see him and boy was I, like, not disappointed. But if anyone can do this stuff then you’d have to put your money on the Pontiff every time.’
According to reports, the Pope swooped around at the end of his low level run and came in to land perfectly in the middle of the Lincoln memorial pond. Allegations from mild skeptics that there ‘may have been a bit of wading going on’ at this point were dismissed by supporters who insisted there was absolutely no way his Holiness had got his shoes wet.
Mr O’Foley spoke for hundreds of his fellow believers when he said, ‘With displays like that it’s easy to see why the Catholic church is strong and united. Protestants, Jews, Islam – our guy just puts them in the shade, and you can see why people travel for days and days to see him.’
The Pope’s confident ‘follow that’ message has certainly raised the bar for other world religions. The Church of England was said to be debating its response, with the Archbishop of Canterbury considering a sermon on forgiveness and quiet reflection done at the same time as a display of shadow puppets and the missing handkerchief trick he used to do for his kids.
Police have taken the unusual step of criticizing the victims of a crime following the unusual kidnapping and deception of an old lady and her grand-daughter known locally as ‘Little Red Riding Hood’.
‘Frankly we are stunned that these two individuals were not more alert to the possibility that a crime was being attempted’ said Chief Inspector Hooper of the Forest Division. ‘You would have to have pretty poor eyesight not to be able to tell the difference between a small girl and a great big wolf, even if it had adopted the rather basic disguise of a red hood.’
The police were equally damning of Red Riding Hood herself, for failing to spot the difference between her own grandmother and a large salivating wolf. ‘I know Red Riding Hood is only a child, but frankly she ought to have spotted that the 
creature in the bonnet and nightie bore no resemblance to her grandmother whatsoever.’ According to Red Riding Hood’s statement she could clearly see the wolf’s great big eyes, great big ears and great big teeth, and yet at no point did it seem to occur to her that this was clearly not her sweet little grandma.
The master criminal dubbed ‘the Big Bad Wolf’ by the tabloids was already wanted by police for the harassment of three little pigs, following threatening behaviour and damage to property. However the kidnapping of the grandmother and an attack on Red Riding Hood herself was averted when the girl’s father, a local woodcutter, attacked the wolf with an axe. He is now in police custody charged with murder. ‘We can’t have members of the public taking the law into their own hands’ said Chief Inspector Hooper. ‘He might seem like a Have-a-Go Hero to some, but under the law, this sort of vigilante attack is a murder just like any other.’
Workers at a Bristol based insurance company have reported a really positive impact on their working relationships following a weekend team-building event they were forced to attend. Delighted event organiser and HR Manager Howard Clarkson said ‘This is a bit of a first for us, and I gather for any team building event in the UK. We’re absolutely amazed, I mean delighted’.
Dave Atkins from Accounts said ‘Shooting the sales team in the head with paint pellets was just what I personally needed. I feel more able to cope with any admin problems that crop up now.‘ IT specialist Carla Fitzallen also learned a lot from the activities; ‘Falling backwards into the arms of a team-mate standing behind me really showed me that there’s no ‘I’ in team’. The weekend long outward-bound event also featured teams building a ‘bridge’ across an imaginary river using planks of wood and milk crates. ‘I found the bridge building exercise highly informative’ said Sales Executive Brian Schmidt. ‘Next time 
I need to metaphorically bridge a metaphorical river, I’ll be sure to get my metaphorical team mates to help me. It wasn’t quite as enjoyable as leading my blindfolded manager around an obstacle course though. That exercise is going to be so useful when I come to write my next powerpoint presentation on quarterly sales figures.
The survey itself was also a HR triumph, with 100% of delegates returning their forms. HR Manager Clarkson said ‘I really don’t know how we managed to get such a good response. We usually get less than half the forms back. Although they might need to think about a spelling awayday. Many of their forms said the training was ‘Reeeeaaalllly worth it’ and ‘sooooo useful’. All the same, it’s good to be appreciated.
A plan by British consumers to boycott Chinese goods has hit a hitch after they discovered that the shops did not actually sell anything from any other country.
‘I felt so angry at the Chinese treatment of Tibetans protestors that I resolved to hit back at China where it hurt most – by crippling their economy!’ declared Melanie Hampton of Tunbridge Wells. However as she searched for a new microwave, some children’s toys and a pair of trainers she found herself struggling to find alternatives.
‘Every time I checked the label of anything I fancied, it said ‘Made in China’ she confessed. ‘I mean, there were other things in the shops, but they cost a lot more, and on reflection, those Chinese policemen were only doing their job.’
The excellent value of the Chinese made children’s T-shirts, at only two for £3.99 reminded Melanie that China’s claim to Tibet dates back many centuries and that there are many other independence movements around the world. The Chinese saucepans at only £4.99 each were clearly the product of a booming economy, that Tibet might actually be wise to support.
Another consumer declared that they would refuse to buy anything made in China as soon as they had purchased themselves that new Toshiba flat screen digital TV with superb picture quality and surround-sound. ‘We won’t be buying anything else from that repressive country’ said Janet Moss from Kettering. ‘Not now we’ve got the whole entertainment system set up for under a grand.’ But if things get even worse in Tibet, we may consider getting our electrical goods from elsewhere next time. It depends on the level of self-determination allowed to the Tibetan people and the timing of the price-slashing crazy sale at PC World.
In the meantime a number of consumers have pledged to demonstrate the strength of their feelings by putting a ‘Free Tibet’ sticker in the back of their cars. ‘Though these are printed in China as well, so what can you do?’
The decision by the UK government to ban shops from giving customers free plastic bags was hailed today by Al Gore as the key to reversing all global warming for evermore. ‘Never mind that India and China are opening forty coal fossil fuel power stations every month’ said Gore ‘The UK’s decision to ban plastic bags will more than compensate for that.’
Hilary Benn, the UK minister for the environment, was delighted by Mr Gore’s praise. ‘By re-using existing plastic bags or better-still moving to carbon free alternatives we expect to reduce global temperatures by 10 degrees Celsius by 2010. Indeed our new plans to make people wear an extra pair of socks in the winter will also contribute to eliminating this global threat.’
Other major benefits to the environment include using petrol that has come from a green coloured pump, and recycling the four hundredweight of unread free newspapers and pizza leaflets that came through the front door every week.
In the Maldives, which has been threatening to disappear under the rising Indian Ocean at some point during this century, there were spontaneous street parties that their island nation had been saved by a small number of British residents remembering not to leave their televisions on stand-by overnight. ‘Our country has a future once more’ wept the President. ‘And all thanks to those few Britons who went to the bottle bank and sorted out all the different coloured glass.’
Mr Benn dismissed suggestions that the phone calls from Mr Gore and the Maldives may have been the work of a hoaxer and said the government would be pursuing Mr Gore’s excellent suggestion that Britain harnesses the electrical energy generated when rubbing a balloon on a woolly jumper.
A sixteen year old girl from Hendon in North London has stunned observers by remaining attentive and affectionate towards the pet rabbit that she promised to love forever back when she was eleven.
Five years on, and despite moving on to secondary school, passing through adolescence and becoming interested in boys, music and shopping, Jennifer Timpson has broken with teenage convention by failing to abandon the pet to a life of stinking squalor in a rarely visited hutch at the bottom of the garden. ‘We are very worried about her’ said her mother. ‘All her brothers and sisters had pets and became progressively less attentive to them as they reached puberty. Danny’s pet rat didn’t even have any water towards the end, it just did the best it could sucking the moisture from the urine soaked sawdust. Sally’s hamster had been dead for a month before she even noticed. But with Jennifer it’s like there’s some key part of her brain that’s not working, that has kept her caring for this rabbit, cleaning it out, giving it fresh vegetables and letting it out for regular periods of exercise.’
Jennifer said that she promised that she would always look after the rabbit and that just because she was a primary school pupil when she gave her word, that didn’t mean she should behave any differently now. ‘She is planning to go and live in the rainforests to protect endangered species or something when she grows up’ said her distraught parents. ‘Like how much money is there in that?? 
It doesn’t matter though because her brothers and sisters will still be here to look after us in our old age’ said Mrs Timpson. ‘The others are all really good children. They have promised that they will take great care of us when we are old and infirm – and definitely won’t leave us abandoned in a dingy flat with no food or care for weeks on end.’
A spokesman for a community group in Liverpool has claimed that working-class people are finding it increasingly hard to come up with new derogatory descriptions of gay men and colourful references to the act of male-male intercourse.
John Harries said, ‘Most references are based around upper-class lifestyles. “Shirt-lifter???” Who has tails on their shirts these days? Toffs, that’s who. “Uphill Gardener” is another one. I live on the sixth floor of a high-rise what need would I have for a gardener? ”Chocolate chimney sweep” suggests a large Victorian home with a traditional open fire, while “Navigator of the Windward Passage” implies a man with his own bloody yacht!’
The claims have met with some sympathy from the Campaign for Better English who feel that certain Political Correctness has eroded the Working Man’s range of amusing and creative insults. References to burglar are unwelcome as it offends many of the professionals in the Toxteth area and ferrets aren’t widely kept since the rise in popularity of Internet porn.
‘The right to feel more manly by belittling homosexuals is a centuries old practice that has been traced back to cave paintings in France,’ claims Mr Harries. ‘After a hard day hunting the men gathered round the campfire and mocked those that weren’t as successful in the day’s hunt by questioning their sexuality with puns about spears and their favourite bit on the mammoth. But what sort of working man is going to feel comfortable using phrases like ‘Friend of Dorothy’ or ‘Gentleman of the Back Door’?’
MP Clare Roberts also backed the campaign saying, ‘what’s happening to the world when a man can’t unwind after a long working week by having a few pints in the local and swapping names for gay men that are both funny and class appropriate? It’s about time a nationwide competition is launched to make all such allusions class-neutral; the same as they are for muff-divers and carpet-munchers.’
Members of the junior detective team the Famous Five have all been served with Anti Social Behaviour Orders for repeatedly wasting police time. ‘We’re fed up with getting daily phone-calls from these posh kids saying that they have uncovered some smuggling ring or planned bank heist,’ explained a police spokesman. ‘It’s always just some perfectly innocent blokes who’ve been on a booze cruise to France or a man just going to a cashpoint machine. They need to stop sticking their nose in other people’s business and wasting our time.’
Neighbours of the Famous Five have welcomed the ASBOs, having themselves complained repeatedly to the police about their constant accusations of criminality just because they have working class accents. ‘What are they doing out and about on their own all day anyway?’ said one neighbour. ‘They should be inside playing computer games or something. And what’s with the ginger beer? Why can’t they drink cider like all the other kids?’
The terms of the ASBOs are extremely severe, and if they are breached, then Julian, Dick, Anne and George will be moved to the inner-cities where they will discover just how much fun it is trying to uncover crimes on a drug-ridden council estate. ‘We think the crack gangs might have something to say about these private school kids trying moving onto their patch. And Timmy might not last too long against their pit bull terriers either.’