New powers are being granted to British police officers who will henceforth be permitted to pull over motorists in order to make random checks on the drivers’ social class and accent. The change is hoped to save police much wasted time trying to second guess the social background of drivers before they decide whether or not to give them a hard time.

During a recent pilot scheme run by Thames Valley Police most drivers were co-operative and polite in response to being stopped. ‘Good evening officer, what seems to the problem?’ asked a typical BMW driver in Maidenhead. ‘Excuse me sir, is this your own accent?’
‘Yes it is, I am a fund manager from Henley on Thames. Educated at Marlborough and Cambridge. In fact I play golf with the Chief Inspector.’
‘Well sorry to have troubled you sir. Safe driving now…’

But another BMW driver was less co-operative; ‘You can’t stop me right, ‘cos I ain’t done nothing not never, so you is like bang out of order, and you is in like deep shit now, Copper!’

The driver was later charged with breaking three separate laws of grammar, the illegal discharging of a double negative and talking without due care and attention. ‘We have always stood by the fundamental principle that justice must be blind’ said DTI Hooper. ‘But that’s because we only have to listen to them to decide whether or not they’re guilty.’