Agrotech giant Monsanto today hinted at radical new proposals which it said would allow it to secure a long term future in which it could eventually see its global activities entirely free from pestilence from upper echelons of British society.
The company plans to eradicate what it sees as its most pressing challenge by selectively altering the DNA of future generations of the Royal family, saying the move was ‘an absolute necessity for our global survival’. Marketing manager Dave McDonnell said, ‘Wherever possible it’s best to let evolution take its course but we feel the Royal family is just being a bit slow about it. You know, generation after generation of the same old stock, never looking too far outside that old standard pedigree gene pool. No wonder they’re grumpy. So we’ve decided our only course of action is to apply everything we know in the hope of making them more resistant to the modern world and engineering future generations of Royalty to think we’re lovely.’
Mr McDonnell suggested that failure to tackle the problems now could lead to further widespread and uncontrollable outbreaks of Royal petulance in the future, endangering the working lives of up to 42,000 Monsanto employees around the world, and that it was quite possible to imagine even more aggressive mutations of the late-onset Royal ‘kick up a fuss’ gene emerging as time moves on.
‘In the worst case I can see almost unthinkable mass migrations of people looking to buy shares in other companies instead, and it might even go further than that,’ said Mr McDonnell. ‘Our studies suggest that if we don’t take action now, there might be cross contamination between Royalty and a whole load of people in tweedy caps and fawn corduroys which could account for up to 10 or even 12% of the entire world’s global condemnation of our activities.’
The process by which Monsanto hopes to achieve its aims of entirely eradicating the scourge of Royal criticism in the 21st Century is largely being kept under wraps but is thought to involve suppressing the genes that make Royals complain by adding milder, more accepting, smiley ones instead in future generations. ‘Nothing too technical going on,’ said Mr McDonnell who then refused to confirm rumours that experiments into the new technology were already underway, but emphatically denied that he had ever met, spoken to or otherwise ever had anything to do with Kate Middleton. Although he did have his fingers crossed at the time.
