Londoner James Wright was has only just clocked that his amalgamated Christmas gifts from family and friends were really cleverly concealed displays of contempt and insults.

Fifty one year old James was initially quite touched when he unwrapped two self-help guides; presents from Carol, his wife of twenty-five years. ‘I didn’t mind the one on how to lose weight as I’ve piled it on a bit but I thought that the one on how to be a better lover was a joke at first. Turns out Carol’s sigh when I claimed I could’ve written the book was born out of deep sexual frustration and not an acknowledgment of my prowess.’

Other gifts that found their way under the Christmas tree included a copy of the Highway Code and a ‘guide to parking’ from neighbours. A ‘How to make witty conversation’ book from his car-pool buddy and a large collection of deodorants, mouthwash and personal hygiene paraphernalia from office colleagues. Even the local Vicar showed his feelings by posting James a copy of ‘Stay at Home: How to praise the Lord from the comfort of your own Living Room.’

‘Individually I thought that the presents were just run-of-the-mill stuff that a bloke my age could expect. But now when I have gathered them all together I realise that I’m thought of as an overweight odorous bore with bad breath who can’t drive properly, has no meaningful relationship with his children and is shit in bed. I just can’t understand it… it’s a bit of a shock… I floss every day.’

The only consolation for James was that his adult son’s were a bit more original and generous. ‘I never expected that! Canoeing lessons and a Rough Guide to Panama.’