Sainsbury’s denied last night that its new ad campaign, in which a bearded and robed Jamie Oliver miraculously feeds ‘5000 people for a fiver’ was ‘sacrilegious or inaccurate’.

The advert, in which Mr Oliver appears transfigured in a supermarket aisle above a terror-struck housewife and proclaims ‘take one Taste-The-Difference foccacia, five tins of sardines, a quick prayer to the heavenly ol’ man, a good splash of olive oil and pope’s your uncle – tasty meal for the whole village’. Claiming that the commercial had offended many church goers Simon Whitehouse of Christian Advert Watch, ‘Jamie Oliver is not Jesus, although we acknowledge his healing power in getting 100 teenagers to give up chips for salad – now that was a miracle.’

If the contents of the advert are true, it could have profound repercussions for the British diet, not to mention global food shortages. The World Health Organisation is taking a keen interest in Jamie Oliver as the possible solution to all worldwide famine. ‘We had thought that ending the global food crisis was an incredibly complex and long term problem. But all it needed was Jamie Oliver to bang a few heads together in his no-nonsense cheeky cockney can-do way, and it’s all sorted. Although, apparently it can only be done using Sainsbury’s groceries.’

Jamie Oliver unusually refused to comment in person, although a disciple did give the following statement: ‘In hard times people need to know that they can spend money on what really matters – petrol. My master shortly hopes to allow four people to drive across Britain on just one gallon of unleaded – if he can’t, we’ll give you a donkey.’