Gordon Brown’s embattled government have unveiled plans to boost the flagging British economy by promising British consumers a ‘Disclaimer Holiday’. For the month of October, Terms and Conditions will not apply, all rights will not be reserved and nothing will be subject to status.

‘It’s the big left-field idea that everyone has been hoping for’ said Chancellor Alistair Darling. ‘By temporarily freeing consumers from the worry of all those phrases you hear rattled off at the end of every advert, we will restore confidence to British consumers.’

‘This is fantastic news’ said one shopper in Lakeside Retail Park. ‘Every time I am about to buy something, I get my money out and then see the words ‘Terms and Conditions Apply’ and then think, oh, I’m not sure I want it now, not if Terms and Conditions apply…’ Other shoppers agreed; ‘I’m going to start buying cornflakes again, now that contents won’t have settled during transit’. Sales of power tools, crossbows and fireworks have all risen dramatically now that manufacturers are accepting all liability for injury or loss resulting from use.

Alistair Darling confirmed that the Disclaimer Holiday is for the entire month of October (dates and times not subject to change). ‘We’ve also done away with the strapline ‘Investments can go down as well as up’. Er, because now they only go down.’