Both Michelle Obama and Cindy McCain were claiming victory today, after the traditional eve-of-poll Candidates’ Wives Mud Wrestling Match ended in a messy but at times entertaining draw.

After months of appearing dignified and supportive at their husbands’ sides, the two wives were at last given a chance to let their hair down and get down and dirty against their rival for the post of First Lady of the United States of America.

‘I beat that bitch good and proper’ claimed Michelle Obama, afterwards, wiping the mud out of her eyes and mouth. ‘She is a cheating redneck cow, and if she wants a rematch in four years time, then bring it on!’ she shouted to the cheers of Democrat supporters. Cindy McCain however, who had been training hard for this match using young Republican interns and campaign volunteers, appeared to have nearly won the contest early on, when she had Michelle in a head-lock and was stuffing lumps of mud into her opponents’ mouth and nose. If Michelle hadn’t poked the brewery heiress hard in both eyes, it might have been all over.

Since the undefeated Eleanor Roosevelt introduced the idea of the candidates’ wives slugging it out, half naked in liquid mud over seventy years ago, there have been some memorable encounters, often more entertaining than the Presidential debates themselves. Jackie Kennedy memorably defeated Pat Nixon the day before the knife edge 1960 Presidential election in a result that may have helped tip the result her husband’s way. A tired and rather prissy Nancy Reagan however, was easily beaten by Joan Mondale back in 1984, but that did nothing to stop her husband easily winning the Presidential contest that year.

Most commentators agreed that this year’s First Ladies’ Mud Fight was not a classic, but both husbands expressed their pride in the way their wives fought their corners.
‘Michelle has showed that she can bring an enormous amount to the post of First Lady,’ said Barack Obama, ‘I think her approach to mud wrestling represented the change that America needs right now.’

Later that evening, the wrestlers made subsequent public appearances at last minute rallies, though both of them had changed out of their mud-soaked bikinis. Asked on TV whether there was any danger of this level of mud-slinging and dirty tactics spreading to the actual Presidential campaign, both candidates said they felt this to be highly unlikely, while a caption saying ‘Irony’ flashed on and off at the bottom of the screen.