Classic News:

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Trump Insiders Explain That All He Did Was Fix the US Economy by Switching It Off & Back On Again

The greatest economic miracle since someone discovered you could put avocado on toast has been revealed to be little more than the fiscal...

munger

Rated Top 10 in the world of satire

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Long hair now a bigger threat to the environment than plastic or climate change warn experts

Long hair now a bigger threat to the environment than plastic or climate change warn experts Scientists at the University College London...

Gerontius

Starmer to nationalize Steal

Ignoring the plight of British Steel, the PM has concluded that it is more profitable to focus on Brits Stealing. The plan is to bring...

Wrenfoe

The Archers to feature home dentistry storyline

The continuing drama 'The Archers' was first broadcast on BBC radio in 1850. The programme disseminated government information about...

deskpilot

High Court Settles Dispute About Harry's Security Arrangements.

Winner: Deskpilot Runners-Up: "Flushed, Doris could never resist a Mannequin in Uniform." (TonyMc); "Primark mannequins go on strike."...

Champagne Corks Popping on the Robert Maxwell Memorial Cruise

Winner: TonyMc Runners-Up: ""I say, this immigration thing is good fun, what?"" (Sinnick); "Wight supremacists patrol Shanklin beach."...

Donald Trump’s Hair Weave Becomes Weaponised.

Winner: DickEveryman Runners-Up: ""Mam! There's something wrong with my candyfloss!"" (Lockjaw); "Best in Show at Crufts to be decided by...

Trump lifts tariffs on all porn-delivery devices

'Cast-iron' guarantee not quite what steel workers were looking for

American Football team, the Pittsburgh Steelers, inadvertently hit by tariffs

USA rust belt now extends to its container ports

MPs demand double expenses for working Saturdays

Ashen RFK Jr realises improvements in autism diagnosis behind rise in autism diagnoses

Scunthorpe steelworks will be a test of Starmer's mettle

Trump seeks advice from Dianne Abbott how how to set tariff rates

7 more adolescent shows that should be showed in every school

After the success of hard-hitting Netflix drama Adolescence, Keir Starmer announced that the programme would be made available to all...

ChrisF

Geoffrey Boycott to replace Imran Khan as Pakistani leader

The Pakistani government has made a controversial choice by choosing to elect outspoken former Yorkshire cricketer and grumpy old bugger,...

Queen's covid response indicates the virus can jump species again

Her Majesty the Queen has said that her recent brush with covid left her tired, irritable and short on humour. 'It was like Philip had...

Hot Cross Buns Surprised to Find Themselves Being Cheese and Onion Flavour

A pack of four hot cross buns on a supermarket shelf were surprised to find themselves being cheese and onion flavour this week. They...

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NewsBiscuit – has done to journalism what flat earthers have done to NASA. It has redefined the word truth, beaten it to death and buried it in an undisclosed location. This collection of stories from 2013-17 walks a fine line between absolute twaddle and actionable slander. NewsBiscuit – real fake news.

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Politics

Trump Insiders Explain That All He Did Was Fix the US Economy by Switching It Off & Back On Again

The greatest economic miracle since someone discovered you could put avocado on toast has been revealed to be little more than the fiscal...

Starmer to nationalize Steal

Ignoring the plight of British Steel, the PM has concluded that it is more profitable to focus on Brits Stealing. The plan is to bring...

Climate activists applaud Trump

Climate change activists are applauding Trump for the tariffs he has imposed on imports to the US. Activists have previously rounded...

Monster Raving Green Front set to sweep to power

Ignore any nonsense about the Popular Front for the People's Democracy, the Democratic People's Popular Front or the Popular Democratic...

Trump to annex Narnia

‘By rights, Narnia is American, wherever it is,’ President Trump told reporters yesterday. ‘A lot of people have never ever heard of this...

Free speech announces price increases

The Ministry of Democratic Inflation has announced an increase in the price of free speech. ‘”Free speech” was never meant to be taken...

Trump drops all tariffs

In a series of rapid reversals, Donald Trump has dropped all of his recently introduced tariffs, including those on oil and steel imports...

Reform to rebrand as The Chair Party

Following a Party rally which saw hundreds of empty seats in a modestly sized venue, Nigel Farage has announced a rebrand as The Chair...

Quakers defo more violent than Met Police

In an act of swift justice and unparalleled irony, the Met arrested teenage Quakers for the threat of eating hummus past its sell by...

Rachel Reeves to see if taxing the vulnerable will actually cause them all to leave the UK

The current (March 2025) Chancellor of the Exchequer has made the following statement, “We have heard this story so many times, if you...

Long hair now a bigger threat to the environment than plastic or climate change warn experts

Long hair now a bigger threat to the environment than plastic or climate change warn experts Scientists at the University College London...

Smash burgers to become invisible to the naked eye, confirm restaurants

The recent trend for ever-thinner cuts of burgers - known as smash burgers - will continue until the point that the meat will no longer...

Drummers hit by US ban

Forget tariffs, DEI and woke libtards,' said a US government spokesman, 'we're going after lazy musicians now.' The United States is...

Rain says it’s just taking a break....for now

Rain says it is just taking a break from its usual routine but will be back shortly. “We’re just putting our feet up for a while” said a...

Man inexplicably annoyed that Apple didn’t stop after making his phone

An Apple customer today expressed his annoyance that his iPhone is no longer the latest model, only six months after he bought it....

UK to fiercely boycott American spellings of words

With the limited options available to UK consumers trying to avoid US goods, an alternative boycott is required that packs a real punch....

Americans protest as tariffs force them to drink Budweiser

There was widespread disruption across the United States last night as the implications of President Trump’s tariffs on imported beer...

Things described as ‘gamechangers’ actually only provide minor improvements

Innovations described excitedly by a man as ‘gamechangers’ actually offer just minor - if any - improvements on the previous ways of...

Man hails "liberation" of becoming homeless

On the very day that Trump's tariffs come into effect, an Ohio man has hailed the "liberation" he feels in being made homeless. "When I...

Grateful UK celebrates Extra Long Easter Egg Buying Time

Due to Easter falling quite late this year, UK shoppers have been gifted the privilege of one of the longer Easter tat availability...

Science
&
Business

Lifestyle

Markets soar as Trump not doing stupid thing yet

The FTSE, Nikkei and Hang Seng indices all soared yesterday on the news that Donald Trump has temporarily paused his plan to implement...

The perils of buying an American car

The US auto business is in big trouble because of the Trump Tariff Tempest. Even the good ole boys at Ford and GM are hit hard because...

Musk proven to be far-sighted for starting US goods boycott early

Although it is probable that Elon Musk had forewarning of the tariff blitz by President Trump, and presumably worked out that every...

London Airports raise terror threat from other rival London Airports

The recent attack on Heathrow power infrastructure was confirmed to be by a rival airport group. The LAFF (Luton Airport Freedom...

London Airports raise terror threat from other rival London Airports

The recent attack on Heathrow power infrastructure was confirmed to be by a rival airport group. The LAFF (Luton Airport Freedom...

Avoiding Heathrow Airport Shutdown for Dummies

With the complete shutdown of a major international airport due to completely foreseen circumstances, many new measures are to be...

Newcastle man inadvertently buys Twitter for £4.38

Adam, 34, from Newcastle has accidentally bought Twitter - also known as X, apparently - as a result of Tesla stock values plunging. 'It...

Streeting tells paranoid that mental illness is fake

Following the Health Secretary declaring that mental illness is over-diagnosed, there has been a spike in nationwide depression. He...

UK temperatures set to exceed Corfu next week - according to MSM

Get your sun block ready, the temperature in parts of the UK - not your part, obviously, it never is - are set to exceed those in Corfu...

ByBit robbers foiled, as crypto coins are imaginary, Stupid

The theft of $1.5bn of crypto currency had raised concern, until everyone calmed down and remembered it was all make-believe.

Border Force hoodwinked by Trojan Cod

Border security officers have been duped by illegal migrants on the Kent coast hiding inside a giant wooden fish. Britain’s treasured...

King for sale, hardly used

UK selling King to raise emergency cash for much needed night out, and also with view to saving money by dropping Kingdom part of name.

Inverness Airport Lighting Upgrade Just New Torch

Auditors are questioning the £4 million bill to upgrade runway lighting at Inverness airport, as a forensic examination of invoices shows...

Private Equity bosses admit they can’t run supermarkets

Private Equity insiders admit that that running supermarkets in Britain has been way tougher than they expected. ‘The masters of the...

Shock as woman buys Pomeranian but NOT as baby replacement

A 30 year old woman was today praised for getting a small, fluffy, white dog, despite still intending to go on and have children. She...

Private parking pirates update their rules

Private parking firms have crossed their fingers behind their backs and promised to update their code of practice. The pirates have...

Man volunteers to be “fat stomach” on BBC news

An out of work actor has suggested he would make an excellent “fat stomach” to be shown on the BBC News whenever they cover a story about...

From NB archives: Ancient Rome

Severe criticism of social services as Romulus and Remus placed in foster care of she-wolf. Defence Secretary resigns after he admits god...

City of York to rebrand

The city of York is to be renamed, to avoid it being associated with disreputable ne’er-do-wells With the main culprit being the...

Thieves target lorry full of wigs for comedic value

A lorry full of high quality wigs has been stolen, with police claiming a connection with the recent thefts of 22 tonnes of cheddar and...

Local News

New theme park in Bedford to celebrate the ‘Best of British'

Plans for the new theme park near Bedford have been exclusively leaked today to over thirty news outlets, for publicity reasons. The park...

The Archers to feature home dentistry storyline

The continuing drama 'The Archers' was first broadcast on BBC radio in 1850. The programme disseminated government information about...

7 more adolescent shows that should be showed in every school

After the success of hard-hitting Netflix drama Adolescence, Keir Starmer announced that the programme would be made available to all...

Ringo Starr to be played by “random guy off the street”

Director Sam Mendes announced today that in his forthcoming series of four films about the Beatles, whereas John, Paul and George will be...

Hollywood becomes latest tariff victim

'Every film made in Hollywood,' said a famous director today, 'has an unwritten code to signal who are the good guys and who are the bad...

‘Braveheart' level celebrations as footballer wins throw-in

A footballer was surrounded by chest beating team-mates after winning a throw-in somewhere near the half way line. Fans near the...

Comedy writers brainstorm a sketch, early March 2025

Comedy Writer A: That idea you had yesterday, the one about that Top Secret Meeting, how’s it going? Comedy Writer B: Well, it needs...

Hollywood remembers Actor - just not very accurately

A Hollywood legend has passed. Colleagues waxed lyrical in the blandest of terms. Friends spoke of his untimely death caused by a...

Grand National 2025 - your Newsbiscuit guide to the runners and riders

It's unpredictable, dangerous, and watched open-mouthed by billions around the globe as the carnage unfolds. Nope, not Donald Trump's...

Journalists plead “Can we stop writing about Adolescence now?”

A number of journalists have banded together to ask their editors if they can stop writing articles about hard-hitting TV drama...

Sport
&
Entertainment

"Bradford knows he’s the lead in a third rate parody. However, his ambition is to be the lead in a Dan Brown story, but doesn’t know if he has to dumb up or down for the gig."

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The Last Simple

By Ray Sullivan

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Inside the BBC's political bunker

Classic News:

If you like these headlines from our archive, why not join our writing team?

Trump Insiders Explain That All He Did Was Fix the US Economy by Switching It Off & Back On Again

Do you have a performance or comic writing you would like our help to promote?

Publishing:

Long hair now a bigger threat to the environment than plastic or climate change warn experts

Starmer to nationalize Steal

The Archers to feature home dentistry storyline

​

Do you have a performance or comic writing you would like our help to promote?

High Court Settles Dispute About Harry's Security Arrangements.

Champagne Corks Popping on the Robert Maxwell Memorial Cruise

Donald Trump’s Hair Weave Becomes Weaponised.

Trump lifts tariffs on all porn-delivery devices

'Cast-iron' guarantee not quite what steel workers were looking for

American Football team, the Pittsburgh Steelers, inadvertently hit by tariffs

USA rust belt now extends to its container ports

MPs demand double expenses for working Saturdays

Ashen RFK Jr realises improvements in autism diagnosis behind rise in autism diagnoses

Scunthorpe steelworks will be a test of Starmer's mettle

Trump seeks advice from Dianne Abbott how how to set tariff rates

7 more adolescent shows that should be showed in every school

Geoffrey Boycott to replace Imran Khan as Pakistani leader

Queen's covid response indicates the virus can jump species again

Hot Cross Buns Surprised to Find Themselves Being Cheese and Onion Flavour

Our annual for 2021-22

Trump Insiders Explain That All He Did Was Fix the US Economy by Switching It Off & Back On Again

Starmer to nationalize Steal

Climate activists applaud Trump

Monster Raving Green Front set to sweep to power

Trump to annex Narnia

Free speech announces price increases

Trump drops all tariffs

Reform to rebrand as The Chair Party

Quakers defo more violent than Met Police

Rachel Reeves to see if taxing the vulnerable will actually cause them all to leave the UK

Long hair now a bigger threat to the environment than plastic or climate change warn experts

Smash burgers to become invisible to the naked eye, confirm restaurants

Drummers hit by US ban

Rain says it’s just taking a break....for now

Man inexplicably annoyed that Apple didn’t stop after making his phone

UK to fiercely boycott American spellings of words

Americans protest as tariffs force them to drink Budweiser

Things described as ‘gamechangers’ actually only provide minor improvements

Man hails "liberation" of becoming homeless

Grateful UK celebrates Extra Long Easter Egg Buying Time

Markets soar as Trump not doing stupid thing yet

The perils of buying an American car

Musk proven to be far-sighted for starting US goods boycott early

London Airports raise terror threat from other rival London Airports

London Airports raise terror threat from other rival London Airports

Avoiding Heathrow Airport Shutdown for Dummies

Newcastle man inadvertently buys Twitter for £4.38

Streeting tells paranoid that mental illness is fake

UK temperatures set to exceed Corfu next week - according to MSM

ByBit robbers foiled, as crypto coins are imaginary, Stupid

Border Force hoodwinked by Trojan Cod

King for sale, hardly used

Inverness Airport Lighting Upgrade Just New Torch

Private Equity bosses admit they can’t run supermarkets

Shock as woman buys Pomeranian but NOT as baby replacement

Private parking pirates update their rules

Man volunteers to be “fat stomach” on BBC news

From NB archives: Ancient Rome

City of York to rebrand

Thieves target lorry full of wigs for comedic value

New theme park in Bedford to celebrate the ‘Best of British'

The Archers to feature home dentistry storyline

7 more adolescent shows that should be showed in every school

Ringo Starr to be played by “random guy off the street”

Hollywood becomes latest tariff victim

‘Braveheart' level celebrations as footballer wins throw-in

Comedy writers brainstorm a sketch, early March 2025

Hollywood remembers Actor - just not very accurately

Grand National 2025 - your Newsbiscuit guide to the runners and riders

Journalists plead “Can we stop writing about Adolescence now?”

"Bradford knows he’s the lead in a third rate parody. However, his ambition is to be the lead in a Dan Brown story, but doesn’t know if he has to dumb up or down for the gig."

The Last Simple By Ray Sullivan Click here

The Last Simple

By Ray Sullivan

Click here