Daytime talk show host Jeremy Kyle is being sent to Gaza in an attempt to bring together Israel and Palestine in an historic peace deal. In a special episode of his show entitled ‘how can we sort out our differences when you’re sleeping with America?’ Kyle and his studio audience will publicly humiliate both sides into giving each other another chance and agreeing a mutually acceptable custody arrangement. ‘Perhaps Israel can have Gaza during the week and Palestine at weekends’ suggested Kyle optimistically.

A Swiss man paralysed five years ago in a skiing accident has chosen to end his life early in the UK after shunning the local suicide clinic a few minutes drive from his home. ‘I want to end my life,’ said Max Friedland today, ‘but I don’t want to actually commit suicide. Which is why I have chosen a routine minor operation in an NHS hospital.’

Friedland, has an appointment in February at a London hospital for the removal of a benign mole on his back. ‘I am hoping that this short overnight stay coupled with the surgery will be enough for me to contract one of the many viruses present in NHS hospitals, C Diff, Norovirus, MRSA, I don’t mind as long as death is quick and relatively pain free.’

The Otis Elevator Company have announced the introduction of radical new technology in their latest range of lifts which actually increases the response time of the lift the more you press the call button. Following extensive consumer research, the company identified a niche in the market as elevators across the world were reported to be completely ignoring repetitive hole pressing.